DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m reaching out to you regarding a situation that is impacting my social life at law school. I’m a 32 year-old-male, an older student, and the issue regards some of my former friends, who are women in their mid-20s. We all started school at the same time and became a social group pretty quickly into our first semester back in fall of 2021. We attended school events together, we went out to dinner together, we had parties at each other’s apartments, etc. I was drinking too much during this time, and could become very aggressive and mean while drinking, due to some emotional trauma that I’d suffered in the years leading up to starting law school, and that led to some drama since I made them very uncomfortable when I was like that. It didn’t happen every time we went out, but about once or twice a month. Eventually it got bad enough that it was really becoming an issue, so I decided to go cold turkey and started going to therapy. This was honestly very easy, and my mood drastically improved. My friends were very supportive and seemed happy with the changes I was making.
The issue started after a holiday party at the end of the semester. I had been sober for two weeks, which was the longest I had been sober since starting college. The party was a low-key affair and I offered to walk my friend Arianna (all names have been changed) home, since she and I lived near each other, but far away from everyone else. Arianna was always a flirty personality and I thought walking home might be an opportunity to gauge if she had any interest in me. It seemed like she might, so once we got to her place I asked if she wanted me to come in – this was about one in the morning. She said yes, so we went up to her place. She showed me around, as she’d redecorated since I’d been there last. We then settled in on the couch, and I put my arm around her. She seemed comfortable with that and didn’t ask me to remove it, but she also didn’t lean into me or start cuddling or anything.
We talked for an hour or so about a variety of things – school, travel, music, etc. Eventually, she said that it was getting late and she wanted to study for finals before going to bed. I got up, put on my coat and backpack, and got ready to leave. Before I left, I asked her if she wanted a kiss goodnight. She said, no, she just wanted to be friends, and I was fine with that. She also mentioned that she’d had some rough experiences dating lately, including a Tinder date who had refused to leave her apartment when she had asked him to and had insisted they hook up. I told Arianna that I’d heard about what happened and that she should feel free to text me to come over if something like that happened again, since I’m an athletic guy who could be there in a matter of minutes. She said she appreciated the gesture, and we kept chatting for a few more minutes about this and that. During this whole conversation, I stayed about ten feet away from her and did not bring up the subject of anything romantic again. Additionally, She made no comment about being uncomfortable or reiterating her request that I leave, nor did her body language suggest any discomfort. After a few more minutes without incident, I walked home, texted her when I arrived, and got a good night text with a smiley face.
The next few days, everything seemed fine. I was still not drinking, and I’d walked Arianna home after our remaining exams and she seemed normal. After our last exam, the four of us ended up a house party together. Eventually, I noticed that all my friends were gone. A few minutes later, I got a text from one of them, Samantha, saying that we needed to talk about how I made the women in our group feel. I asked what I had done, she said to leave everyone alone and that she’d explain the next day.
The next day, I reached out to Samantha, and she refused to explain, again telling me to leave everyone alone. I kept running through my mind trying to figure out what on earth I could have done and asked the other two what was going on. One friend, Margaret responded she didn’t have any issues, so at that point I realized the issue may have been my staying late at Arianna’s apartment, and immediately texted her apologizing. She responded thanking me for my apology and saying that she’d felt very uncomfortable that I’d stayed to talk after she asked me to leave, and that, in doing so, I was basically doing what the Tinder date guy had done and acted as if I expected her to change her mind. She also said she thought it was important that guys realize when she’s uncomfortable and that she doesn’t feel that she should have to explain when or why she feels that way. I reiterated my apology and said I hadn’t realized she was uncomfortable or had any expectation that she would change her mind. She said it was okay, she understood, but she just asked for some space, and that the other women wanted space as well. I said I understood, and that I would respect that request, and leave it to them to reach out to me when they were ready. I thought the whole situation was overly dramatic since nothing substantive happened, and I didn’t feel that I’d done anything wrong besides accidentally create an awkward situation, but I respected how they felt and wanted to show them that.
I didn’t reach out to any of them at all during winter break, but they were still very cold towards me when spring semester started. I tried to reach out to talk, ask why they were treating me this way, and explain my side of the situation, but they never responded. Unfortunately, I had every single class with them, so there was no escaping being in the same room as them, and things were so bad that my professors noticed that something was wrong between us. I tried to make other friends, but the time for making easy friends during orientation and early semesters was long past. I started the semester continuing my sobriety and therapy, I eventually fell off the wagon due to the anxiety this situation caused and started drinking again, hard. Eventually, Samantha responded to one of my texts with a gigantic list of things of vague accusations, such as being patronizing, getting too emotionally close, and assuming too much. I responded that this didn’t sound like my behavior at all, because, without going into it too much, it didn’t. She eventually stopped responding, so I got drunk and texted her a bunch of times telling her to ef herself. This was rock bottom.
When I sobered up, I blocked them all on social media and doubled down on my sobriety. Since that time, which was March of 2022, my mental health has taken a big turn for the better. I stopped drinking for a couple of months and completed my therapy sessions. I did start drinking again after a while, but only once or twice a week, and only with friends instead of alone like I used to. A year and a half later, I have a much healthier relationship with alcohol and am always maintain control of my faculties going out. I made some new friends at school and have, for the most part, put what happened first year behind me. However, the reason I’m reaching out is because it seems that my former friends have not.
During the summer of 2022, four or five months after I hit rock bottom, my friend Carla, who was also friends with my former group, hosted a party at her house. There were about a dozen guests, and I was the only guy. Margaret also attended, but as soon as I arrived, she abruptly left. I didn’t say anything at the time and just enjoyed the party, but a few weeks later, Carla and I went to a movie and I asked her about it. Carla told me that Margaret had tried to get her to not invite me because I had tried to take advantage of Arianna, and she was upset when I showed up. While I had long suspected this is what they thought about me, this was the first time anyone had directly told me that they thought I had tried to take advantage of Arianna. I explained to Carla what happened and she agreed that, while the situation was probably awkward, I clearly wasn’t being malevolent or predatory.
In fall semester of 2022, Arianna and I were at school event, so I asked if we could talk and she said yes. I apologized to her that I had made her uncomfortable, explained that I wasn’t trying to change her mind, and told her about the steps I’d taken to address my drinking problem. She said she understood and told me she forgave me and we were good. I also bumped into Samantha, who is no longer friends with the others, around the same time and apologized for the messages I’d sent her and explained that I’d addressed my drinking. She said she understood I was sorry, but that she didn’t want to be friends. I told her that was fine and we parted ways.
Thankfully, I haven’t had any classes with them or seen them around campus very often, but I do bump into them at social events and this is where the issues persist. Last year passed without incident, but earlier this fall I was at a bar with a bunch of school friends and having a good time. I went to the bathroom, and on my way back, Arianna was in my path and moving around, so I tapped her on the shoulder to move past. A few minutes later, she comes over while I’m talking to friends, taps me on the shoulder, and tells me that I need to not touch her without her consent. I was bewildered, as I hadn’t done anything that a normal person wouldn’t do in that situation, but I responded “okay” and went back to talking to my friends. A few weeks later at a school social event, I was talking to another friend of mine when Margaret, who I didn’t know knew her too, came over, gave me a look like “you are not talking to my friend” and pulled her away to dance. Again, I didn’t say anything in the moment, but a few days later I explained that Margaret has beef with me based on something that isn’t true. My friend seemed to understand, but it was still awkward to bring up.
Basically, despite the significant passage of time, my consistent and sincere apologies, and my keeping my distance from them, they still seem to view me as some kind of predator based on something that I did not do. I understand that these friendships are long gone and not coming back, and honestly, I’m fine with that – I don’t want to be friends with people that believe that I would try to take advantage of a friend without even asking me what happened. But law school is small, and they seem very willing to spread rumors about me. I’ve noticed at least a few times that I’ve made friends with a woman in a class, but they eventually grow cold and I later learn that they’re friends with my old group. That’s not to say that’s the only explanation for why they stop talking to me, but it’s happened enough times that I sense a pattern. Honestly, I just want to put all of this behind us and leave each other be, and clear the air if possible, but that doesn’t seem to be something they’re willing to allow. I would also love to give my side of the story, especially if they’re going to hold something against me that I didn’t do for so long. Currently, my plan is to just continue to keep my distance and hope nothing happens when we cross paths – I only have a semester and a half left of school and then I never have to see any of them ever again.
So, Doc, do you have any advice? I know that my drinking problem put me on thin ice with my friends, and that I did create an awkward situation that night at Arianna’s apartment, but I certainly didn’t try to take advantage of her. Am I missing something? Is there any action I can take besides just hoping that nothing bad happens again? Is my problem not the problem I think I have?
Which Way To Turn
DEAR WHICH WAY TO TURN: Hoo boy. OK, WWTT, I’m going to be honest with you: it’s tempting to tell you how badly you f--ked up and call it a day. But honestly, that wouldn’t be helpful and I want to try to help you understand what went wrong, why things have played out the way they have, what you’ve missed and what I think you still haven’t realized yet. If you can hang on and read all the way through, I’ll explain what your path forward is and what you need to do.
And to be clear: this is gonna be a long one, because this wasn’t one thing, it was many things in sequence. Part of the issue here is that the first wrong decision was compounded by the next and the ones after that, and that’s lead to where we are now.
So, we’ll start with the background: you had a drinking problem. This, as you said, made you aggressive and mean and lead to uncomfortable moments with your social circle. While yes, this was the result of emotional trauma that you endured, it’s still behavior that set the stage for what happens later. Believe me: I’m sympathetic. Pain lead you to having a problematic relationship with booze, and I’m sorry you went through it. However, while it’s sad that this happened and lead you to self-medicate with alcohol, that doesn’t change the fact that your behavior while you were drinking clearly upset your friends and made people uncomfortable. That past behavior set people’s expectations about you and has a direct relationship to how they respond to you later on.
It’s great that you were making an effort to get sober, and two weeks was a decided accomplishment for you. However, that’s still in context with your previous abuse of alcohol, which had been going on for months. I also wonder if you needed to do more than just try to go cold turkey on your own. This has clearly been a struggle for you and while I have my own feelings about AA, I think some form of substance abuse program, especially one with a system of accountability, would’ve been more helpful for you than trying to solo it.
Now, where things went wrong is that you really misread the situation with Arianna. When you sat on the couch with her and had your arm around her and she didn’t respond one way or another – she didn’t lean in to you or pull away – that really should’ve been time to recognize that she wasn’t really into it and to take your arm back. This was very much a case where an absence of a “no” wasn’t the same as a “yes, I am enjoying this.” This was compounded when she told you about her Tinder date who invited himself up to her apartment and stayed much longer than she wanted him to. This was her way of telling you – admittedly indirectly – that your behavior was bothering her and she wanted you to please go.
You, unfortunately, missed what she was trying to say. She wasn’t asking for you to be her goon squad the next time that happened, she was drawing a parallel between your actions and the Tinder date who made her uncomfortable. She was asking you to please recognize that she wasn’t comfortable with the situation at hand and wanted you to take the hint, maybe say “oh, s--t, I’m sorry!” and head home. But you lingered longer. You had no ill intent, but you were still doing the precise opposite of what she was asking you for.
Yes, this could theoretically have been expressed more clearly and directly. However, not only are women still socialized to be indirect and give soft-“no’s” to men, you were alone with her in her apartment and you were already someone who had a tendency to drink and get mean and aggressive. She had good reason to want to soft-pedal things and hope you took the hint rather than risk that being direct might piss you off. The text afterwards was, likewise, her attempting to de-escalate the potential situation and avoid making you upset.
Stack this specific incident with the number of times that your alcohol use lead to unpleasant nights and aggressive behavior and I’m sure you can see why people were feeling very uncomfortable in the aftermath. Yes, you know that you would never have acted like that… but she has no way of reading your mind and you already have an established history of acting out. So as much as it might hurt to know people thought you were capable of doing something horrible, it wasn’t unreasonable that they felt this way.
What happened afterwards and how you handled things didn’t really cover you in glory. You didn’t realize how your actions made Arianna (and by extension, the other women in your group) feel and you apologized when you found out. That’s good… but it doesn’t seem like you really got just how much this was bothering people. You said it yourself: “I thought the whole situation was overly dramatic since nothing substantive happened, and I didn’t feel that I’d done anything wrong besides accidentally create an awkward situation”. Based on this and other parts of your letter, I have to wonder if this was coming through in your apology. I can understand why you might have thought it was no big deal, but it clearly was a big deal to Arianna and, by extension, her friends. That’s the important part; if they felt like you weren’t taking it seriously or taking it on board, then, when viewed in the context of your past behavior while you were drinking, then yeah… it’s going to create some understandable hard feelings on their part.
Is that fair? That’s not really for me to say, in part because what would “fair” even look like here? How much should they take the reasons for your past drinking into consideration when that doesn’t really change the effects of your behavior? How much credit should two weeks of sobriety buy you, when there’d been months of negative behavior before this? But also, “fair” doesn’t really come into it when you’re dealing with people’s feelings. The best you can do is recognize that s--t went wrong, do your best to understand how and why it made others feel the way it did, take responsibility for your part in it and do your best to make things right.
Unfortunately… well, everything after winter break more or less confirmed to them that you didn’t get it. As much as it sucked that your friends were being cold and distant, that was their prerogative, especially under the circ*mstances. Your behavior made them feel a certain way. They clearly felt that you didn’t understand why, or what you were doing that was bothering them and still had strong feelings on the matter because of it.Taking responsibility is understanding that this is the consequences of your actions and to accept it as the consequences, even if you think it’s unreasonable. Reaching out to try to get explanations and explain your side of things is, under the best of circ*mstances, going to come across as your aggressively missing the point. At worst, it’s going to give the impression that you thought you didn’t do anything wrong or that you weren’t taking their feelings seriously. Trying to explain or change their minds was almost certainly going to come across as “you don’t have the right to feel the way you do” or “my view of the situation is the most important”. That’s going to upset people, because while it may not be what you intend, it’s how it comes across to everyone else.
And we’ll talk about intent in a bit.
It’s what happened next that really f--ked things up. I’m sorry that you let go of your sobriety and returned to booze; you were going through a really hard and trying time and it really sucked. However, it still happened, and it made things worse. And while I understand how your drinking meant that you were impaired and not thinking clearly or rationally, that doesn’t change what you did.
You were incredibly aggressive and pushy with Samantha. When she finally responded with the things you had done that upset everyone, you not only dismissed them, but didn’t seem to take on board that these complaints didn’t come out of nowhere. These weren’t things that they were making up for s--ts and giggles or to retroactively be upset at you, this was her explaining how the women in your circle saw your behavior and how it made them feel. Even if you didn’t see it that way, that doesn’t change the effect it had on them. A better response would’ve been to say “I didn’t realize I making you feel that way, and I’m really sorry that I had been. I’ll do my best to be more mindful of how I’ve been acting with everyone and do better going forward.”
Now granted, this is all with the benefit of hindsight and my being a third party. You were, as you say yourself, about to hit rock bottom and not exactly thinking clearly. But again: that’s not an excuse. This is so you understand what you could’ve done and what to do if you encounter a similar situation in the future.
However, this was very much when you crossed the point of no return. Not only did you miss (and dismiss) what Samantha was saying, you also proceeded to harass and insult her over text. If there was a chance of pulling things back from the brink – maybe not restoring your friendship, but at least achieving a sort of détente where they could accept your apology and that you were genuinely trying to do better – you more or less set it on fire and chucked it into low-Earth orbit.
All of that is why you’re in the situation you’re in now, and why things feel so tense with everyone around you. And while it’s good that Arianna and Samantha have apparently been willing to accept your apology – even if Margaret hasn’t – you’re still going to have to accept that this really is the consequences of your own actions and choices. And if I’m being honest, I’m not sure you’ve necessarily fully taken the lessons on board yet. You keep hoping to explain things to others, but it doesn’t seem like you understand why people are upset and why they haven’t let bygones be bygones.
Part of what I think you haven’t fully processed is that while the apology may be accepted, that doesn’t make the hurt go away or undoes everything that happened. Nor does it necessarily mean that they’ve forgiven you or that they will, or even that they should. Sometimes the offense – and the compounding acts afterwards – is going to be too great for someone to let go of. Which sucks for you, I know, but this isn’t really aboutyou. It’s aboutthem.
Another thing that I don’t know if you recognize yet is that you’re working against a lot of history that they’ve had with you and your behavior. It’s not like these are all disparate incidents that all happened in a vacuum. You had monthly incidents where your drinking lead to your acting out and making people uncomfortable, followed by everything you lay out in your letter. That’s going to be a lot for people to look past.
And yes, I know it feels unfair and unwarranted in parts. It feels like you’re being punished in excess of the offense. Think of it this way: you understand now that your drinking lead to behavior that you may not have recognized in the moment as being bad or troubling at the time. Consider, then, that by that same token, you may not be the best judge about how your behavior made other people felt, or that what you were doing wasn’t coming off the way you intended. None of us are serene, objective observers of the world, taking in every detail and nuance with perfect recall. Everything we perceive is filtered through our expectations and beliefs, and what we see or observe isn’t always what other people are going to see from the outside. This is especially true when we’re intoxicated. When someone tells you “hey, the way you behaved made me feel like X, Y and Z”, telling them that they have to take your intent or motives into consideration can be really offensive to them. While it may not be what you want to convey to them, what it ends up sounding like to them is “well, I don’t see it that way, so you don’t have a right to feel that way.”
And by the same token, intent doesn’t really change the outcome; as the saying goes, you may not intend to step on someone’s foot, but you’re still stepping on it. The key isn’t to focus on the fact that you didn’t intend to step on them or mean to bruise their foot, it’s to accept that you stepped on their foot, apologize for stepping on it and pay more attention to where you’re putting your feet in relation to everyone else’s.
If you really want to make it clear that you’ve improved and that you’re not the person you were back then, you need to do so with your actions. You need to show, by your consistent behavior, that you’ve learned from your mistakes, that you’re mindful of what you’ve done and you’re living with integrity. Part of that may mean taking a longer break from drinking at all, at least until you graduate if not longer. Part of that will mean that you can’t get defensive about things, especially when you’re making assumptions about why people are acting a certain way. Not only do you not know what’s actually going on, but you’re working against the previous times when you didn’t grasp what folks were trying to say to you about your behavior. If you want to show that you’ve changed, then it’s important to recognize that you may have been wrong, and I don’t think you’ve quite accepted that yet.
It also means making sure you are mindful of other people’s comfort and feelings and to look for a positive and enthusiastic response when you, say, you’re your arm around someone, instead of just focusing on the lack of a negative one. You may want to make sure to actually ask first if they’re cool with it, or check in with them and say “is this ok?” Otherwise you run the risk of repeating past mistakes.
Even then, people may still have their feelings about things and there’s nothing you can really do about that, besides accept that’s how they feel and that your actions lead to it. Which, again, really sucks, but it’s part of taking responsibility.
This is very much a learning opportunity, WWTT. You want to take this harsh, bitter lesson and take it onboard as best you can and realize that the way we perceive ourselves and our actions isn’t always how the rest of the world sees it and that doesn’t make them wrong. Even if you disagree, when someone says “hey, this action bothered me”, the best thing to say is to take a moment, look at things as dispassionately as you can and ask yourself if they might be seeing something that you’re missing. This is the time when you want to say “ok, I’ll be mindful of that and do better,” not “you’re incorrect.” Especially when you’re in a place where you’re not thinking cogently or clearly.
Take this, learn from it and do better in the future. Continue the steps you’ve been taking – taking care of your mental health, dealing with your relationship to alcohol, working on personal responsibility and so on. Go forward doing your best to live with mindfulness and integrity. It won’t change the past, or the minds of the people you used to be friends with, but it’ll mean you’ll have a better future.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com
